


What if I wanted to break?

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is a bit of a dick, Angst, Basically, Hurt/Comfort, Izzy and Clary are barely there though, Jace is missing and Alec is a mess and Magnus has to help a bit, M/M, Spoilers for Season 1, What's new, but he's just in pain, i guess, i'll stop, just a bit, paraba-feels, promo-inspired, tagging here is addictive, that's too many tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:07:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8593813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: -He feels like he is going to break, skin pulled too tight over his bones, and his heart keeps stopping in his chest and it hurts with every beat, and he just doesn’t know what to do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is just some anxiety-induced hurt/comfort that I wrote after seeing one of the new promos; I hope you like it, please tell me if you see any mistakes since English isn't my first language, and let me know! :)

He feels like he is going to break, skin pulled too tight over his bones, and his heart keeps stopping in his chest and it hurts with every beat, and he just doesn’t know what to do – because Jace, Jace was the one with the crazy ideas and that stupid courage that came with the conviction that he isn’t afraid of anything, but Alec is just a mess of half formed, delirious plans he can’t think about without panicking and maybe wanting to cry because _Jace_ , because it wasn’t supposed to happen, because he should have kept him _safe_ , he should have _known_ , _damn it_.

  
He shouts those last two words, his hand hitting the target so hard his knuckles crack.

  
Izzy is looking at him, long lashes and red lips, hair pulled up in a tight bun. She doesn’t say anything even though she wants to and Alec is so grateful he feels like crying.  


 

*  


 

-You are going to work yourself into exhaustion,- Magnus says, and Alec jumps from the chair, a map spread uselessly in front of him.

-I was just …- he tries to mumble, tries to think of an excuse, but his lips are numb and Magnus can read him so clearly he doesn’t even bother with answering him. -Who let you in?- he asks instead, because he is not going to disappoint Magnus as well, he doesn’t think he can take it.

Magnus says: -Your sister,- his eyebrows raised, golden eyes sharp, and then: -I hope you don’t mind,- and Alec knows he fucked up.

-No, no, of course I don’t -- -he feels a bit like he’s drowning, like he needs more words than the ones he has, he’s painfully aware of the way his heart is trying to beat its way out of his throat, -It’s just …- he looks helplessly at the map and the notes in front of him, -Everything’s a little bit of a mess right now.-

Something softens in Magnus’ features, at the corners of his eyes: -I can imagine,- and Alec hopes he can’t because he can’t even think about Magnus going through the pain that’s tearing him apart.

He thinks about Magnus’ fingers brushing his hands and he almost _aches_ with how much he wants it, so much he can almost feel the ghost of that touch. He hates himself for it.

He just says: -I have work to do,- and doesn’t look at Magnus, doesn’t want to see how he manages to hurt someone who is immortal and invincible.

Magnus simply says: -Of course,- softly, and then he’s gone.  


 

*  


 

He can’t even look at Clary without feeling a blind rage climbing its way up his throat, just like the early days, except now he has a reason and it’s not just jealousy and it feels so much better because he’s got someone to _blame_.

  
-Alec,- Izzy shouts, so much like their mother that Alec’s mouth snaps shut.

  
Clary’s green eyes are huge and wet in front of him and he wants to feel better but he just feels worse, can’t shake Jace’s voice off his mind, can’t help but feel he’d be so disappointed.

  
Alec takes a step back, says: -I’m sorry,- sounds so lost that Clary’s pain becomes more quite, subsided, like knowing he’s in just as much pain is a comfort.

  
He figures maybe it is, but he still feels it.  


 

*  


 

He hasn’t slept in three days and he feels like passing out, almost goes to practice for a bit, just to find out what his limits actually are.

He doesn’t. He probably falls asleep, because the next thing he knows his eyes are open and Magnus is looking at him and his golden eyes are sad. 

-Your sister keeps calling me to tell me to do _something_ ,- he says, almost casually, leaning against the doorframe, -She’s convinced you’ll listen to me.-

Alec holds himself back, still, _far away_ from him.

Magnus keeps talking, his eyes sharp on Alec’s knuckles, white on the edge of his desk: -I tried explaining to her that you were too busy blaming yourself to listen to anyone, but I owed her a favour,- and Alec goes, if possible, even more still, hurt making its way through his breathing with claws and teeth. 

-What?- and his voice cracks.

Magnus just looks at him: -That’s what you are doing, Alexander,- the words are painfully clear, -You are trying to find someone to blame because that way you won’t have to deal with what you lost. As long as you feel anger you don’t have to face the pain.-

-You think I’m not feeling pain?- he growls, sharp, because _pain_ is the only thing he’s been feeling, the only thing he’s holding on to, -What do _you_ know?-, and Magnus’ eyes glow suddenly, just for a second, and when he speaks it’s almost like electricity is cracking in his voice: -Don’t talk to me about pain. I’ve already felt a dozen times the pain you’ll feel in your whole life.-

Alec feels on the edge, like a breath could make him fall: -I’ve been feeling nothing but pain since they took him away,- he’s shouting and his voice is cracking, oh _god_ , he is going to break and nobody will catch him, -It’s so much I don’t know what to do with it and _nobody_ is _moving_ , it’s like I’m the only one and it’s too much, I just -- -

He is breaking, not suddenly but like something cracked that’s been waiting for a long time for something to finally destroy it, but he doesn’t fall, because Magnus’ arms are around him, strong and fierce and unmovable, and a sob wrecks Alec’s chest because he needed him so _much_ and he feels so selfish, so utterly inadequate.

Magnus whispers small words in his hair, his fingers pressed against the nape of his neck, warm and there, and Alec looses his last piece, buries his face in Magnus’ chest. He waits for the storm to pass.  


 

*  


 

-You are not alone,- Magnus says, fingers carding through Alec’s hair.

They’re laying on his bed, legs tangled, and this isn’t how Alec had imagined their first time together on a bed would be.

-Your sister has been looking for Jace everywhere. I think – I might have a lead.-

Alec just looks at him, feels still too raw and exposed to answer, so he just presses a dry kiss against his throat, too tired to do anything else.

He murmurs: -Thank you,- because Magnus’ fingers are tangled with his own and he doesn’t feel like he’s alone any-more and he wasn’t afraid to let his pain break free because Magnus could take it – contain it, he made sure it wouldn’t drown him.

Magnus noses gently at his cheek, eyes closed. Says: -Any-time,- and means it.

 


End file.
